Talking to Your Student About Relationships
Parents of college students have a tough job as they balance their students’ newfound independence with a desire to stay in touch about complex matters such as academics, careers, and finances.
These difficulties can be compounded when facing topics that your son or daughter may or may not want to discuss with you. In particular, student dating, relationships, and sex are sensitive subjects, but they are also vitally important.
College is the time where students are learning how to build and maintain healthy relationships, including intimate ones. Healthy, balanced relationships foster mutual respect and support, open communication, honesty, and trust. Students, parents, and UW–Madison share a common interest: healthy and rewarding relationships that both lead to a student’s happiness and avoid negative consequences.
Badger Parent recently checked in with two leading campus experts who had practical advice and tips for parents on the topics of relationships and intimacy, including how to start conversations with their students.
One important aspect is simply understanding the social landscape at UW–Madison. Students, many of whom are away from home for the first time, are seeking connection and intimacy with each other as part of a very large community, says Linda Roberts, a professor in the School of Human Ecology who studies couple relationships.
Roberts has taught a class that explores the effects of alcohol on behavior, culture and society. She regularly teaches a course on romantic relationships and is the parent of a college student herself. Through these classes, she has heard from students firsthand about their experiences on our campus.
Although some students gravitate toward the party scene to form relationships, many make connections through student organizations, leadership activities, and jobs.
While terms such as “hook-ups” (the new “one-night stand”) and “friends with benefits” are common, it’s a myth that purely sexual — and sometimes random — encounters are the norm. According to 2011 data from the National College Health Assessment, 73 percent of college students report an average of 1.83 partners during a span of 12 months.
Her key advice is that students should “decide, not slide” into intimate contact. She believes that when students base decisions about sex and relationships on their personal goals and values, they are more likely to make informed, intentional choices.
Roberts says that she doesn’t favor any one method of cultivating relationships in her teaching or via UWire (www.wire.wisc.edu), a related website she produces that educates students about love, sex, and relationships. UW–Madison has a number of elective classes in which students can apply critical thinking skills to matters relating to relationships, sex, and marriage.
While peer influence is one part of the equation, another is how parents can communicate with their students about this important and complex topic.
Because students want to be independent, they often won’t share the stress they actually feel when faced with so many decisions and pressures to conform, says Danielle Oakley, director of Consulting and Consultation Services at UW–Madison’s University Health Services.
It helps to share your beliefs in a way that empowers your student with information, confidence, and resources to make decisions.
“Students want to be engaged with parents as equals who have opinions and values of their own,” says Oakley. In fact, the 2006 National College Health Assessment illustrates that parents are still viewed as important sources of information regarding healthy decisions.
One strategy that can work is to share some of your past relationships including struggles you faced, then ask your student if he or she has ever faced similar situations. Keep your questions open as a way to engage a conversation. Closed-ended questions that result in yes or no answers can shut down conversations and make it seem like you just want data, when you really want to hear your student’s opinion.
“If you are willing to take risks with sharing some of your past decisions and consequences, your student may feel more open to doing the same,” Oakley adds. “Ask your student if he or she has ideas about how [you could] have handled your situation.”
If your student engages in behaviors you consider risky or problematic, express your fear about the consequences as well as ways to decrease risks. Doing this helps build a foundation for having ongoing conversations about his or her health and safety.
“Express your feelings about your student’s behavior rather than judging it. If students feel judged, they will be less likely to come to you when they want or need your guidance,” Oakley cautions.
Even if you’re shut down on your first attempt to discuss these topics, be available if your student decides that he or she wants to talk. And if your student does not want to talk specifically to you, encourage him or her to find someone he or she trusts, such as a relative, sibling, or friend who can provide sound advice.
The best way to help your student is by teaching him or her how to have healthy relationships, Oakley says. Parents have the influence to teach and to model healthy behaviors, such as being respectful, assertive, and setting boundaries with others.
“Parent relationships with others speak much louder than anything you can tell your student,” she says.