Results from a survey posted on the Parent Program website showed that 71 percent of parents communicate with their student primarily by text, while 22 percent communicate by phone.
Keeping in Touch (Just Enough)
Twitter. Texting. Skype. Facebook. Cell phones. E-mail.
These days, there are more ways than ever to keep in touch with your UW-Madison student as he or she adjusts to campus life during the fall semester.
But beyond the actual tools you decide to use, there are several important underlying matters relating to communication to consider. How frequently should you communicate with your student? How has your role changed since your student left for college? Can too much communication actually hinder your student’s development?
The Parent Program asked a handful of faculty and staff experts for their thoughts on this topic. The common thread: Constant contact isn’t as important as setting expectations and boundaries about everyone’s role.
Above all, you’re doing the right thing by wanting to stay involved and in touch, says Wren Singer, director of UW–Madison’s Center for the First-Year Experience. UW–Madison strongly believes that parents play an important role in helping students make the most of their Wisconsin Experience.
While it’s natural to want to help your son or daughter through every bump in the road, especially during the early months on campus, keep in mind that learning to live independently is one of the most important skills your student will gain in college. Rather than giving directions or picking up the phone to solve a problem, parents can act as mentors, dispensing wisdom and encouragement, while also allowing students the freedom to act on their own.
“Ask questions and stay involved,” Singer says. “Try to encourage your student’s success and put him or her in touch with those who can help, but without doing it all.”
Think of it as drawing a distinction between “intervening” in your student’s life and “coaching” him or her through their new experiences, she suggests.
Before you talk, e-mail, or text, think about how much to stay in touch and who the contact serves. Some students and parents talk every day, which can be perfectly healthy. But for many families, Singer suggests that one to two times per week can be a good way to catch up on news without becoming overly involved.
Barbara Hofer, a professor of psychology at Middlebury College, recently completed a research study and a new book, The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up (with Abigail Sullivan Moore). Hofer’s research shows that too much communication can actually be detrimental in terms of student development.
“In our studies, students in the most contact with their parents were the ones who were least independent and autonomous, and least able to regulate their own lives and academic work,” she says.
Hofer found that college students were in contact with their parents an average of 13.4 times per week, with no meaningful difference by year in school or by institution, and with only a small gender difference.
Students report that they initiate nearly as much of the contact as do parents (six versus seven contacts per week). They also say that they have more contact with mothers than fathers, and more than a quarter say they would like more contact with dad. The survey results also show that 19 percent of the students in the study even reported sending papers home to their parents for editing and proofing.
“It isn’t just the quantity of the contact, but the quality, of course, and how parents are using those calls, e-mails, and text messages,” she adds. “Students who report that their parents are using these connections to continue to regulate their behavior are the ones who are least happy with their relationship with their parents and least happy with the college experience. They also have lower grades and are more likely to procrastinate.”
To avoid this phenomenon, Darald Hanusa, a lecturer in the UW–Madison School of Social Work and a therapist in private practice, recommends that students and parents have a clear conversation about expectations, talking about the kinds of people the students would like to be during the college years. It’s always best to make some kind of compromise, so both parties get a little of what they feel they need.
“As a parent, you can ‘win,’ but it will come at the price of closeness in the relationship,” he says, adding that it’s not too late to have the conversation, if it hasn’t happened already.
Through all of this, don’t hesitate to keep your student apprised of important developments at home. “In times of family distress, it’s important to keep your students lovingly in the loop,” says Felix Elwert, a UW assistant professor of sociology. “When a grandparent falls ill, or parents separate, your student should know.”
“Even though your student no longer lives at home, he or she is still very much part of the family,” he adds. “Keeping important—wrenching—developments from them would just undermine the trust required to nurture a strong parent-student bond.”
Through it all, UW–Madison is there to help, with the Parent Program here to provide news, resources, and answer questions.